Loss touches all of us throughout our lives. We experience loss when we are parted from someone or something that we value, from a meaningful attachment. And no one is immune.
Some losses are adjusted to relatively easily as they fit with our world view; they make sense. For example, the loss of an elderly person or the loss of someone who has been suffering a lengthy illness. Other losses can send us reeling. They can be traumatizing. They don’t fit with how the world is or should be; they can challenge who we are in the world. We may struggle to understand the loss and we are sent grasping for a meaning that may elude us: “How could this have happened? Why did this happen?” It may be difficult to integrate the loss into our system of meaning; and the meaning that we place on a loss may keep us in a state of distress. How successfully we deal with loss is literally a survival issue; survival of our emotional well-being and of our physical health.
It is impossible to lose a valued attachment, a person, thing or situation, without experiencing emotions of loss. Grief is a complex emotional response to loss that includes a variety of emotions; we may feel sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, helplessness, guilt, despair, loneliness and so much more.
By truly accepting loss in all of its dimensions, we can discover new depths in ourselves. We can learn what is important in life; our priorities can be re-appraised and re-adjusted. We may need to redefine our sense of self and learn different ways to engage with a world that has been changed. We cannot return to a pre-loss level of functioning. Healthy coping with loss compels us to learn to adapt to the loss and go on living a meaningful life. It is possible to make a resilient adaptation to loss.
Avoidance complicates our ability to cope with loss. Denying loss and shutting down our emotions occur when we lack skills for coping with overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Instead, we may turn to behaviors that create more difficulties in our lives, such as using substances to numb the pain; over-working to distance from people, places, things that serve as reminders of the loss; and “geographic cures”. We human beings have created a myriad of ways to avoid unpleasant realities of life. In allowing ourselves to approach loss and to not shut down emotionally, we give ourselves an opportunity to learn certain important things about ourselves or about life.
In 1973, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross proposed 5 stages of grief. At that time, she brought attention to the death and dying process, something that had been largely disregarded by the medical community. Her stage model has become engrained in our culture as a way to think about and manage loss; however, it has been scientifically discredited as invalid and inaccurate.
The current prevailing way of coping with loss centers around “tasks”. The Four Tasks of Mourning, developed by J. William Worden, Ph.D., allows for a fuller understanding of the mourning process, and provides a sense of clarity on how to navigate a path forward through unfamiliar terrain. Coping with loss through tasks is an individualized process; there are no time constraints; and engagement with the tasks can be addressed in any order, oftentimes overlapping and may involve re-visiting tasks previously addressed.
Task I: To Accept the Reality of the Loss
This task involves acceptance of the reality of the loss without avoidance or denial. Intellectual acceptance occurs first; emotional acceptance of the loss eventually follows. Denial of the facts and emotionally not accepting the loss, gets us stuck in the mourning process and obstructs our ability to move forward.
Task II: To Process the Pain of Grief
It is impossible to lose someone or something to which we have been deeply attached without experiencing some level of pain. Denying pain and loss is an obstacle to growth. Trying to stop grief only prolongs it. We must learn to stand with the pain, survive the pain and thus expand our capacity to move on with life.
Task III: To Adjust to an Environment in which Someone or Something is Missing.
As we cope with loss, we face 3 kinds of adjustments: External Adjustments, Internal Adjustments, and adjustments to our Spiritual/Philosophical World View.
External Adjustments involve day to day roles that the person, thing or situation fulfilled in our lives. We may need to take-on new skills to manage our external world. For example, the loss of a partner may mean that we need to take-on the role of accountant or record keeper; cook; skills to increase your earnings; or new ways to engage in leisure activity.
Internal Adjustments refer to adjusting to a new “identity”, a new sense of self. When we lose someone or something important to us, it can feel as if we have lost ourselves. We may ask, “Who am I now without this person in my life?” or, “Without this job?” An internal adjustment may mean that we need to learn to become more independent; to change our career goals. Successful completion of this adjustment is the realization that “I haven’t lost all of me”.
Spiritual and Philosophical World View Adjustments involve the integration of the loss into our system of meaning. Our fundamental values and spiritual views can be challenged with questions such as, “Why would God make this happen?” We may struggle with finding meaning in the loss and with the purpose and meaning of life. In-so-doing, we may change our system of beliefs or have former beliefs reassert themselves, in ways that make deeper sense to us.
Task IV: To Remain Emotionally Connected and Go On With Life.
The realization of this task involves embarking on a new life while remaining emotionally connected to the lost person, situation or thing (pet, job, house, etc). It means gradually creating a balance between remembering the loss and living a full and meaningful life; a life that invites pleasure and contentment with new situations and new relationships. It means finding ways to love, connect and cherish past memories and beginning to invest energy in our “new normal”. Task IV is hindered by holding on to only past attachments rather than going on to form new ones. The completion of Task IV often takes the most time to achieve. To not accomplish this task is to not live a full life.
Life does not stop with loss. There is a healthy path that we can navigate through loss that holds the promise of greater wisdom, a renewed sense of purpose and meaning, and fulfillment. There can be growth, if we allow it.
In all that you do and all that you seek:
May you be well.
May you feel peace and ease in your body, especially when you need it most.
May you befriend your pain and suffering with compassion.
If you need help coping with loss, learn more about Dr. Worden and her work here.
If you would like to set up a consultation, contact us.